Baker's Dozen Drabbles
by Magical Muffin Ride
Summary: A bunch of Drabbles,one-shots, and other things of varying ideas and genres. Mostly femNaruto and Sakura in various ships. Be mindful of each chapters content warnings as things can get darkish. Requests always welcomed!
1. GaaNaruo - Starving

Starting out this drabble series with a nice creepy Gaanaru. This was a small series I wrtwr and shared only with Seltap. It was good practice and I hope you enjoy the start of it. Aka the only part I have left since I deleted all of them.

 **NSFW**

* * *

Everyday around noon, Naruto would go out onto the balcony and water the extensive collection of plants out there. Her favorite was the tall ones with the bladed leaves sprouting along the stalk. Those always got watered first and tended to always be the healthiest. Maybe it was the extra care she gave them along with everything else. Gentle touches and encouragement to grow bigger and stronger with each day.

Gaara really didn't understand plants as he watched her via the tilted mirror. It was positioned at the open curtain just so to catch her reflection as she piddled about her balcony. There was no chance it would reflect him back and he made sure to keep quiet as he listened to her talk through the cracked door. Lounging on the sofa with his tail curled up around him and eyes half-closed, Gaara would pretend that she was on their own balcony and taking care of their plants. Then she would come back in and joke about watering him. Maybe spritz him a few times as he playfully growled back before she leaned in and-

Naruto had gone back inside and all he could hear was the city outside. With a groan, he slid off the couch and plodded over to the door to slide it close again. It wouldn't be until five that she would be back out to relax and read her magazines or laptop. He didn't like those as much since she didn't talk, but she stayed out longer and sometimes wore her sleeping clothes. Gaara was very fond of how the thin sleeping shirts hung on her frame as she lounged about. He wished she could wear his shirts like all other couples did.

That would be nice.

Both his siblings kept bothering him about getting a hobby to pass the time. They would hint at what they were learning to try and get him interested. A hobby would be nice to have, but the lack of actual fingers tended to hinder him. Large thick fingers tipped with claws didn't lend well to delicate things. Or really anything.

Even typing was a pain.

He considered getting plants maybe. A few succulents and cacti wouldn't be difficult and he did have space on his balcony for them. But, it would mean risking being seen by anyone. Especially Naruto. Gaara preferred his fantasies about how she would receive him instead of what would actually happen.

Maybe Naruto was his hobby. Could a person fill that role? It wasn't that odd considering how invasive the internet was about celebrities. There wasn't any harm watching and listening as she lived her own life. It made him happy.

The only person who knew this was Kankuro, who had asked about the mirror. Gaara knew the disappointment his brother felt towards him and honestly couldn't be bothered to care. That man was allowed to leave and actually live. Work and play without anything forcing him to hide in the dark.

Kankuro didn't ask again about the mirror or Naruto. Just another remark about finding some show or anything else to focus on.

Gaara agreed that he would.

The camera was tiny and marketed as weather-proof. It was the type that could be hidden easily in ceilings or vents. Or railings.

The only downside was the price. Not that father never asked about what Gaara would purchase. Not that father ever cared so long as Gaara was kept in his apartment and out of sight.

The hardest part was attaching the damn thing. Naruto would be out at work that night and was the only balcony that could see his. The other building was just a brick wall and the alley below was unlit. Thus, the chances were slim of unwanted sightings. As for attaching it…

All he needed to do was attach the glue and pressed it against the rail. It would just look like a spot of dirt on the worn metal and Naruto would never notice. It was a pain to hold the tiny camera between his fingers and Gaara prayed he wouldn't drop it as he leaned over. As the balcony groaned beneath him, the man wondered what the papers would think of his corpse.

Fate was lucky for him as the camera stuck easily and he could scramble back to the safety of the apartment. After almost ten years of being stuck inside just stepping out the door had left him breathless and shaking. From fear? Most likely. Was it even worth it?

There was no trouble in receiving the video feed to his laptop. And what a perfect view! Right into her apartment from the glass sliding doors. No curtains either. It was too dark to make out much, but Gaara found himself glued to the sight regardless. Just the fact that Naruto lived here and everything in that place was something picked and placed by the woman thrilled him. It was intoxicating to think he would get to see her in such a personal space. Living out her life how she wanted and perhaps he could learn more about her.

Other than how kind she was and how much she cared for others. Thoughtful and sweet even when her friends didn't return the same. Or even how she enjoyed cheap ramen during the winter months. He really needed to know more.

If only to hope. If only to work his way into her life and maybe she would care about him. Touch him the same gentle way she cared for the plants each day. Kiss his ulgy face and claws before whispering that he would never be alone again.

Ten years was so long to spend alone.

Hours later, Naruto had arrived back and Gaara noted each movement she made as she readied for bed.

Sexually, he was always interested in her. Soft-skinned and young with a slight pudgy stomach and toned limbs. When she wore those sleeping shirts he could make out the shape of her breasts and he wondered how dark her nipples were. Pink like her lips or tanned brown like her skin?

The video feed gave the answer. Brown little nubs that poked out through her shirt sometimes. Cute. Cute like the rest of her breasts with their teardrop shape and bounce. Gaara often found himself wondering what it would be like to take one in his mouth. Naruto would enjoy it as he nipped and sucked till the skin was bruised and blushed.

She wouldn't shy away from touching him either he knew. Maybe at first she would be hesitant about his appearance and would be wary when his claws drifted over her. Then he would speak kindly as one did to a caught animal. Coax her into returning the affections until nothing separated them. The idea of taking her, leaning over and encompassing her, was so good to think about.

Yeah, he first had thought of her sexually before falling in love with everything else about her. That was how most realtionships started anyways! Gaara was still human inside and he still found women attractive so there was no problem.

Other than she would never touch him.

Sometimes he would break a few things after that realization.

Six months. Six months since he installed that camera and he felt so sick over it. Not regret, but the sheer way he tortured himself watching her whenever she was home. Cooking, cleaning, listening to her voice drifted through the balcony doors like a song. It was easier to picture her knowing he was there. That he belonged with her and she welcomed that.

Even as the fantasies grew, he started to weaken.

He didn't deserve-no, he did deserve! Everyone deserved to be loved and wanted the same way they wanted others. He wasn't selfish for wanting that. Only selfish for wanting to take her life away and replace it with him.

So lonely though. The nights and day blended together into ever-shifting grey without her to guide him with her schedule. Watching her be able to leave and enjoy life without complications. Perhaps even fall in love with someone else and marry. Naruto was pretty and sweet. How much longer did he have with her?

The pillow he held was torn into and ripped apart.

He really did need Naruto. Much more than anyone else could need her. She could touch him with tenderness and love him when no one else did. No hatred for what he had done and she would maybe forgive him. Was he so awful a person for wanting that?

If only he could show himself-no, she would scream and run and be gone forever to him. Time was the only factor that could aid him. Time for her to learn who he was and how he never wanted to harm her. Just adore her as a lover does and keep her close to him.

When he thought up the Plan, his gut recoiled and he tasted bile. Then those horrible thoughts wormed further into his brain and latched on.

Gaara was stronger than her when she struggled. No one else really lived on this floor and the walls were thick for when she would cry out. No one ever really visited anymore so they couldn't interfere. Money wasn't an issue either and he could always order extra groceries to be delivered to the door. The Plan really could work.

Open his door when she left for work-no he shouldn't.

Pretend to be-this was horrible-injured and scream for help till she came.

Then-then he could-

More bile as guilt flooded and suffocated Gaara as he wrestled with these thoughts. He was supposed to love her and how would this show his feelings to her? She would hate him!

'Only for now,' his mind whispered, 'only till she learns'


	2. ZetsuNaruto - Plant Food

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but my wonderful wife edited it without my knowledge because my grammar causes her pain.

From an AU where Naruto is a witch and Yamato is very stressed and tired. Life is hard when you look like a chuld

—-

Naruto didn't even notice the man was there until she turned to water the next plants and that slim body took up her entire view. For a moment the sun setting behind him cast such a harsh glare that he seemed to be only half-a-person; a dark blur that resembled part of a torso and arm. Then she blinked and he was just an odd man with a shirt that had, 'mommas boy' airbrushed over it and the oddest skin discoloration she had seen yet. Vitiligo right down the middle.

Odd, but she wasn't rude to any of the customers at the nursery and quickly set down the watering can and chirped out the standard, 'hi-what-do-you-need' spiel.

In the almost entire minute it took him to answer, she matched gazes with him and noticed that he had such vivid eyes. Fake? Had to be; that shade of yellow didn't come naturally. Oh, and when he did speak, she spied a bit of filed teeth.

"You have very healthy plants," he said as he gestured to the nearby aloes, "what do you use on them?"

"Rain water, good fertilizer, and lots of love," she exclaimed right back like she did fifty times a day. "You won't find plants like these anywhere else, and our prices can't be beat!"

His eyes had drifted back to the aloes, and Naruto started talking about those specific ones and how much they cost. As she started in on the natural benefits of the cuttings his fingers pulled a large clump of dirt from the pot. Then the man went and just-

Popped the dirt into his mouth. And chewed. All while staring at her as Naruto let her sales pitch just peter out into nothing. He really seemed to be into it, she thought aimlessly, really tasting that processed shit. Then he actually swallowed and commented,

"That wasn't good at all."

"Well, uh-no it isn't going to be."

When he picked up the watering can Naruto didn't even try to stop him. Instead, she frantically glanced around for Yamato and prayed he was making his rounds nearby soon. As the man drank from the spout, she saw her boss and almost cried with joy when Yamato noticed her panicked face and started heading right over. Despite the fact that he was stuck looking like a kid, Yamato managed to somehow still be intimidating enough to scare off most trouble-makers. When he was a few feet away, Naruto opened her mouth to explain the situation when a hand grabbed her chin.

It turned her towards the stranger who now had water dripping off his chin and a rather annoyed expression.

"That fertilizer was terrible and the water was tasty- **it was shit and too cold** -but neither one was what I wanted- **and love isn't even a thing**."

Yeah. This guy was definitely not someone she wanted to be talking to anymore. Even just the way his voice sounded as it deepened and rose in pitch between words hinted that he was either had a condition or wasn't sober at all. Those eyes seemed clear enough though as he leaned in closer and gave her a clear view of all those teeth. Teeth that seemed impossibly white and Naruto never realized just how many teeth could fit in a mouth.

"We are **starving**."

Yamato worked his way between the two of them and shoved the man away from Naruto. Despite only reaching her waist, Yamato planted his fists on his hips and fixed the man with a cold glare; one that usually made even grizzled veterans cringe a little. The man just stared down at him curiously, as if watching a tiny lapdog yipping.

"Sir, I must ask you to leave," Yamato commanded, "you are being disruptive and aggressive towards this employee. If you do not vacate the premises now, I will be forced to remove you."

If Naruto hadn't of already known Yamato, she would have found his bravado rather cute. After a few years of working under him that effect had been worn away and now she just hoped this man would just turn and walk away so everything can go back of normal. The man himself seemed thoughtful, and she could see him muttering soundlessly to himself as if discussing something with an unseen friend. Then he just…turned.

Turned right around and walked away from the both of them without a fuss. As he turned the corner towards the entrance and disappeared Naruto could only let out a sigh of relief and gather up the now empty watering cat. Before she could go to fill it backup, Yamato took it from her hands and gestured for her to head inside.

"It's the full moon remember? You have to rest up for tonight."

"Ah, are you sure? What if that weirdo comes back?"

"Naruto," he chided softly with a smile, "if he does I'll just bite his ankles."

That made her laugh and just like that the mood was lifted and the awkwardness of the situation previous had faded away into nothing. Giving her thanks, Naruto headed back inside the main building to take a nap before her night shift started. Flopping onto the worn couch she closed her eyes and tried not to think about the odd stranger anymore.

—-

The night air was just as muggy as the day's had been, and it made her late shift all the worse to manage. Yamato had said the guy hadn't shown up again, but he had already searched the place over just in case. Still, he cautioned Naruto to be careful, to not hesitate to call for him if the man did come back while she was out.

Dressed for bed in cotton shorts and a ratty shirt, Naruto stepped out into the main nursery and dug her toes into the still-warm dirt. As she walked past the rows of plants, she started taking in large breaths of humid air to 'stretch out' her lungs and ready herself for the most important part of her job here. The one Yamato had hired her for in the first place, and the one that had always given her so much trouble in life.

When she reached her usual spot, the exact middle of the nursery, Naruto took one more readying breath and let her eyes close. The tarps stretched out above blocked out the moonlight, but she could still feel the pull tugging at her spirit. Urging her and testing the bonds she kept herself under.

Letting out her breath she broke those boundaries and started to sing.

Before she really taught herself how to properly spell there had been words used during these sessions. It was a waste of air though and now she only used a mixture of high and low notes to weave the spellwork over the plants. As the minutes passed she could feel the threads of her magic seep into the pots and wrap around the hair-width roots growing there. The magic she cast gave simple direction:

Be strong. Be fruitful. A long life to be lived and a core than can withstand trouble. Her life and spirit given to the plants through her song.

Love given freely along with good soil and water.

It's what made these plants so vibrant and healthy compared to others. Maybe it could be considering cheating since most nurseries couldn't afford to keep a witch on the payroll but…well she didn't really care. A job was a job and Naruto was lucky enough to find one she was good at! With a good boss too! He didn't even complain about the copious amounts of ramen she ingested daily.

'This really is perfect', she thought as her song reached a higher pitch around the annuals, 'not much can ruin it.'

A hand snatched her wrist, and she suddenly regretted that thought as she spun to face her aggressor. It was the man from before. As she tried to shout for Yamato, his hand clamped over her lips and dug into her cheeks. Even when she kicked out and thrashed, he was strong enough to force her back against the wall and keep her pinned there. Gnashing her teeth against the palm, Naruto fought until her breathing became ragged, and she could only push pathetically against his hold.

Now that she was still, the man seemed to relax his hold and the pressure lessened until it was no longer painful. Naruto noticed now that his skin was a stark black and white under the moonlight and his eyes seemed far brighter. Inhuman. Damn it.

Yamato would be coming out to check on her soon. He could take care of whatever this thing was pressing against her and moving their face every closer …and… why did the mouth only stretch on one side?!

"So sneaky of you to do," he chided and even 'tsk'd' at her, "to try and lie about your plants- **trying to keep us hungry**."

Naruto shook her head to try and appease them even as her brain worked to try and figure out what they meant. Lying? She didn't lie about the plants–she never lied about them! All he had asked was what made them so healthy and she hadn't kept that a secret. Fertilizer and water with-

Oh. For fucks sake.

He wanted her magic to feed off of much like the plants did. No wonder they had come back when she was spell weaving-it was like waving a bloody steak in front of Yamato! Then again if she could fend him off like Yamato then perhaps this problem could be fixed. Or at least fixed enough that this asshole could flounce right off and leave Naruto to enjoy her simple life as a gardener.

Sucking in a breath, she released a small bit of magic against the palm covering her lips. She felt his body stiffen before the hand was removed and she could breathe easier again. His face came closer to hers, and she could see the odd divide in his face now; a small line down the middle as if two side we're glued together. It was certainly something she had never seen before in her life, and she wondered what exactly this being was. Then, he pinned her against the wall like a cheap dime novel villain.

"More," he breathed and he was so close now, " **feed us**."

Naruto did as told and let her magic flow freely again. There didn't seem to be a reason to use song now; this creature just wanted to soak it up. Raw and loose. Breathing out, she flinched as he suddenly moved closer until their noses were touching and he sucked in her breath like he was dying from lack of it. Trying not to pull away Naruto kept her breaths and watched as a curling grin spilt the black skin of half the face. Unable to look at that toothy mouth, she instead focused on his eyes as they bored into hers. The intensity of that look, hunger and craving, made her stomach churn, and Naruto wondered if she had made a mistake.

It was too late now.

When her supply finally ran low, he kept her body from collapsing and picked her up like a rag-doll. Setting her stretched out on a table, Naruto tried to focus her cloudy mind enough to say something to him. Mostly a well-rounded insult and an invite to profane his body with a cactus and witch hazel. Nothing came through the mud in her brain though and all she could do was lay there and-

Was his hair growing flowers?

It was. Under the moonlight she could see the individual vines curl over his face and bloom with tiny white flowers no larger than her pinky nail. Her hand shakily went up to touch them and oddly enough the man dipped his head to let her. The blooms were soft and as she gently brushed over them a sweet smell reached her. It was like lillies with the oddest of undertones. Unable to work her brain enough to figure it out, Naruto just settled for picking one of the blooms and carefully cupping her palm over it.

Above her, the man gave a huff of laughter and whispered a promise to come back when he next hungered. Then he was gone in just a blink of her eye.

Jerk. Didn't even pay.

* * *

my shitty otp


	3. Sasosaku - Through A Child's Eyes

An adorable Sasori and Sakura fic I wrote. It's platonic and not meant to be continued so I hope you enjoy it!

 **No warnings needed this one is super cute**

She hadn't been older than five when her mother would let her out alone into the yard. Not noticing her mother watching from the kitchen window, Sakura relished the lack of hand-holding and gentle pushes to play gently with dolls. Tucking her ragdoll under an arm, the child hiked up her dress and ran further into the yard. To fresh eyes, it seemed like an open plain that was hers only instead of a slightly overgrown lawn.

Soft grass tickled her bare feet and cushioned her tumbles as she chased after the spring butterflies. Tiny seeds stuck to her hair and dress like stars and tasted fuzzy on her tongue when she ate them. As Sakura went on further, she would often glanced back at the cottage to see if her mother was there. Each time, there was nothing and it emboldened the girl.

Enough so, that she reached the line between yard and woods where the little odd stones sat. Mama had said they were older than all of them and just marked territory. Papa said little tiny fae lived inside and left treats for good child. Sakura believed neither; there wasn't a fence and the stones had no windows nor doors. Who would want that in a house?

Leaning against her favorite, the largest and most bulbous, Sakura propped her doll up against her stomach and fed her the sticky star seeds. It was a very good girl-doll and ate dinner without fuss. Therefore, Sakura stood and promised to go get some dessert for it.

Dessert was a twist mass of grass and seed topped with a few pink hairs. She had tried to use dirt, but it proved too dry and crumbled apart.

When she turned back, there was a man crouched and looking over her doll.

No one else was supposed to live nearby and Sakura was always told to stay away from any strangers. Still, mama would see the man and call Sakura back in a hurry and that would just ruin any chance of being alone again! Puffed up with righteous fury, the girl strolled up to the man and demanded he leave. This was her family's land and he wasn't even invited!

The man just lazily looked up at her and the girl took in a sharp gasp at his face. Smooth and soft with large doe eyes and a rosebud of a mouth; just like those beautiful dolls in the windows that Sakura dreamt of owning. Even the shock of red hair only made him seem more of a toy than anything else.

Ah, but toys didn't make her feel so terrified as this man did. His face was like a painted angel and nothing seemed terrible about his gaze but…

The sleeves of his robe only covered up to his wrist and what she saw was twisted up and dead like an old wasp nest. When his fingers curled out she heard them snap like dry kindling on fire and Sakura was so close to running back to mama for safety. But, her doll was still there and if she lost it then she would be in so much trouble and never get a new one!

Frustration made tears well up as she demanded the man leave again. And once more with a stomping foot to try and frighten him off. When Sakura took a breather from the ordeal, and sucked in a few tears, while the man only blinked before a dead finger brushed against her doll.

Sakura did scream then, out of pure anger because /that was hers/, but it got stuck on the lump from the crying and came out as some weird hiccup. Fully set on pummelling the man now, she had only just balled up her fists when her little cloth doll moved. The legs were full of only batting, yet they stood strong and never even trembled as a first few steps were taken. Then the doll dipped into the most graceful of cursties and Sakura almost returned one just from the politeness drilled into her.

Under the dappled sunlight, the two of them watched silently as the doll started to dance. It wasn't anything like Sakura had ever seen at the few gatherings she had been too. This dance instead was so fast that the doll almost became a blur. Even leaves were kicked up just from the sheer force behind the moves.

Each leap made her gasp as the doll seemed to defy gravity with every one. Alas, the end came too soon and the doll sunk gracefully into a heap on the forest floor. Sakura quickly gathered it up to her and turned to thank the man with a grin.

He was gone and she was alone.

That night Sakura dreamt of being older and dancing with that odd man. Kicking up leaves and spinning just like her doll had.

Never again did he visit.


	4. Sasosaku - Thesis

A prompt given by my wife who dislikes this couple but loves me.

 **No warnings needed**

* * *

Sakura needs to find her thesis and gets a great idea. No beta and written rough. No warnings needed.

A little tiny body. Preferably wooden and fully jointed. The art store had plenty of those to choose from even if they cost way too much. Still worth it.

Various plants; both fresh and boiled down to sap. Purchased from either whole foods or Ino with varying degrees of price. So far, the easiest things to get.

Candles, chalk, and matches.

The hardest was the scorpion 'milk' and that left Sakura scurrying online for tips on how to get just that. Then came having to find the right breed in the scurblands with the dying light of the sunset to guide her. It was annoying and very sweaty work, but she was rewarded with a rather fat specimen that tried it's best to sting her.

The circles and sigils we're drawn over the concrete of her patio and the candles arranged at the appointed spots. Taking the thickest candle, Sakura placed it right next the edge and hoped it would burn long enough. Lastly, the wooden doll placed in the middle and sprinkled liberally with a mix of venom and her own blood. With a quick double check over everything, Sakura let out a nervous laugh as the reality of what she was doing set in.

Well, she was sure this wasn't the first time someone raised the dead for an edge on a final thesis. If she could just get this to work and ask the questions she had prepared, then the rest of the work would be a breeze.

Besides, if you they didn't want students crossing the boundaries of human decency and playing god, then you shouldn't hide necessary papers behind paywalls. Assholes.

Kneeling down, she peered over the printed woods one more time and made sure of each step. It would be very different than repeating them in a mirror and for a moment she hesitated.

No, she chided herself, get this over with.

Each candle was lit in order with the biggest one last. Then there was just one last thing to do.

Archaic words flowed from her tongue easily as if they were medical terms. So practiced was Sakura that the paper was unneeded and her eyes stayed focused on the tiny doll in the center. Nothing was happening until she hit the a gruttal tone in one of the words.

A smell of rot and ash filled her nostrils and almost made her gag as she powered on through the text. There was a light clattering of wood as the doll started shaking against the cement and the blood on it no longer shone in the light.

It felt as though her lips were numb and flapped uselessy as the words become little more than groans and high squeals. Her sight became blurred and she could feel her eyes burning as hot tears streaked down her cheeks. This was wrong, she did something different, she was going to die-

Everything ended with a rush of air and she fell forward and scraped her elbows on the rough cement. It was easier to breathe now, but there was still a numbness to her mouth and tears kept spilling out. Why…why was she even crying?

Did it even work?

Trying to move quickly made her head spin and she almost vomited. Swallowing back down bile, Sakura let her body settle before focusing on the circle.

The doll was gone and in its place was a person. Lean muscles and the coloring of sand with a shock of bright red hair. They both stared at each other and Sakura let her eyes rove over the strangers face. Large eyes with a pert nose. Like a classic doll face.

Not the larger nose and hooded eyes of Chiyo. Nor was that scientist ever that thin from what little info Sakura had managed to dig up. Mouth dry, she frantically checked her notes as whomever that was in the circle sat there dazed.

A bark scorpion was the main species that Chiyo had used in her work. The instructions given had specifically stated that something of great value to the person had to be used along with the full name of the deceased. That part was fine then; it had to be.

Screwing her eyes shut, Sakura fought against the growing headache and tried to figure out what had gone wrong. Was it the words? Maybe she pronounced it wrong? Ah, no she had made sure to match it with the dialect of Chiyo's home town.

There was a clicking of joints as the person tried to move towards her. Glancing at them, Sakura noted they were trying to say something and failing to draw breath. So instead she got to listen to moans that would fit right in with a cheap porno. Great, even if she had managed to get Chiyo her questions would have been useless.

"This," she stated, "is pointless."

And she then blew out the candle breaking the spirits tie to the physical realm.

As the wisps of smoke dissapated into the air, the still present spirit just blinked dumbly at the candle. Then they had the gall to roll their eyes at her astonished face.

Perhaps Sakura had made a mistake asking the president of the occult club for help. Useless dumb jerk he was; of course he gave her the wrong directions!

Well, her neighbors would be home soon and this redhead didn't seem to be stopping with the groans anytime soon which meant-

-dragging them by the legs and locking them in the tiny washroom until her headache went away. Or they died again. Either or.

Oh, so Kabuto had gotten the instructions half right.

Sakura had to admit it made some sense that she hadn't of made a mistake. Rather, Chiyo was never her goal and wasn't even the right scientist to ask for help.

Sasori, she had laughed when he introduced himself, was in fact Chiyo's grandson and was a mite upset that his work had been published under her name after his early death.

"Not even all of it either", he explained as he preened in a mirror, "only the basics of using the venom as a way to induce temporary paralysis."

He then went on to complain about how short his career had been and if only he could get back at it. That drew her attention.

Sakura paused in her typing and stared him down over the rim of her glasses. As they watched each other for a few moments, she gave a bright grin.

"How about a deal then," she offered with a wink, "tell me what you discovered for my thesis and I'll give you a way to continue your research."

His head tilted and for a moment she saw something flash in those lazy eyes. Interest? Mirth? Whatever it was, Sasori agreed to her deal with a soft laugh.


	5. Sasosaku - Summoning for profits

**Another older prompt from a demon au I have. In which Sakura witnesses SadorSas true forms and it's not what she expected.**

 **Warnings for body horror.**

(also working on more requests till I ran out of backlog)

* * *

There was only one way to get in the building with Sasori and Sakura really didn't want to do it. Even if it meant wasting time trying to think up all kinds of other plots and ideas that would be failures. The singular fact remained constant; she wouldn't be able to summon inside the bar. Even if she painted up a tarp and spread it down in the bathroom there was still the risk of someone walking in or noticing the door being barred. Plus, that was if they didn't have seals up that would send out an alert at any surge of power.

Falling back into her desk chair, Sakura took a moment to rub her temples and think about how to run this over Sasori. There wasn't a chance he could use a human body to sneak in with how clumsy he was with only two legs. Nor did any of his 'puppets' look human enough to past. There was also the factor of her having no idea of his true size and wether it could be hidden in a purse or not.

Only…they would be suspicious of her lugging around a giant bag. Shit.

The entirety of the plan now hinged on how small the demons actual body was. It made the entire plan shaky and Sakura wondered if she should just call the whole thing off. Drug dealers were bad enough without them summoning a demon or two to help with distribution. It was also doubtful Sakura could give a better offer than the dealers. So violence was the only answer she had.

Which really was fine. That was what she was best at sometimes.

If only Sasuke would pull his head out of his ass and actually help out for once. He never hestitated asking for her assistance, but returning the favor? Ha! As if that would ever happen.

Naruto would also be useless and the trio of siblings were not people she trusted. Which meant it was the same as always: only relying on herself and that asshole Sasori. An asshole who was about to get a terrible proposal and she was halfway convinced he wouldn't go through with it. The demon seemed very averse to showing off his true form to Sakura from either pride or just shyness.

Standing from the desk, she went to the kitchen and pulled out the emergency carton of eggs she kept just for this. Selecting the best from the bunch, she bundled them gently in cloth and stuck them under her shirt to warm them up. Carefully cradling her package, Sakura made her way back in the living room and kicked away the rug. As if sensing her intent, the painted lines of the summoning circled glinted in the light. It always unnerved her when it was like this; the blood should have dried up ages ago but still looked fresh and slick.

The eggs weren't quite warm enough but Sasori could deal. Arranging them end-to-end in a small circle she snagged the candle nearby and placed it dead in the center. A quick light and she sat back outside the circle and wondered how exactly to word all this. Come straight out and say it? No, he wouldn't show up. A more devious approach would be best, but too underhanded and she would be dead.

Hmm…summon for a question and then spring it on him? She could give him a chance to escape out of it and give off the illusion of him being in control. Just enough to stroke the ego and hold him long enough to wrap it up. Good. That would work.

Moving to a kneeling postion, Sakura pressed her palms flat against the floor and spoke,

"Sasori no Akasuna, get your ass up here because I have to ask a quick question. Also, there's eggs. I know you love you some eggs."

That was the common misconception about summoning. It was always best (and polite) to stick with Latin or rhymes when doing a first summon. Otherwise just tossing out a name and saying what you wanted did the exact same thing minus the headache of transcribing a dead dialect.

The flame of the candle suddenly grew and the flame spilt and reached out like grasping fingers towards her. In only a few seconds the tendrils were at least three feet and she never flinched as they moved over her body leaving only reddened skin in their wake. Instead, she ignored the light show and kept a close eye on the eggs. One by one, the egg would shudder in a way before stilling again as the next one started up. When the last egg become still, Sakura looked back towards the candle just in time to see Sasori arrive.

When he finally did make his needlessly fancy arrival, complete with more fire effects and whistling winds, all she could do was try not to laugh at the form he had chosen this time.

The face was a giveaway and she identified the body as a small-time summoner from last week. Sasori though, had tried to improve the body to his own specifications and it was ridiculous. Like a contortionist the back was bent so the legs came forward, though these legs were neatly tucked behind the arms instead of framing the head. He must have removed the spine to get that bend to work, she casually noted to herself.

The legs had to be lengthened too as the feet were firmly planted and she could tell most of the weight was on them. The arms weren't changed much and added balance to the whole mess. He seemed solid standing, but Sakura dearly wished to see the damn body run or even take a few steps. Why was it always so funny when he tried to 'improve' upon humans? Did he seriously think this was an improvement?

Probably.

Sasori gave an odd shudder and neatly folded in the arms and sat back. He scoffed at her humored smile and spoke,

"The eggs were cold."

"Well jeez sorry. I'll sit on them longer next time."

"It is not difficult to get warm eggs woman", he scolded, "it is only polite to respect a deal."

"Look, let's just forget the eggs-"

"Lastly", he interrupted and she could hear the smugness in that voice, " the candle smells horrible and honestly you should know by now to use actual beeswax candles only."

Not even five minutes and she was going to just desummon the asshole and drop everything. Every single time she somehow forgot how annoying Sasori was. 'Maybe it won't be bad', she would say, 'he gets right to business.'

No, he bitches about eggs and sometimes does something useful. Maybe. If she asked nicely enough and he liked the reward.

"Now then woman, if you are done wasting my time what is your question?"

So wrapped up in her annoyance, Sakura had forgotten to find a way to word the question. Damn it. Maybe it would be best to just spit it out-

"What is your true form?"

Silence and then the body Sasori used gave a violent jerk and the facial muscles spasmed so badly she could see an eyeball start to dislocate. Oh shit, he was mad now and there was no way that circle would hold him for long if he decided to break the deal.

"W̺͎̞͎̼̪̳͉͇H̶̨̫̣̫̜͙̟̝͡Y̛̮͉̕"

Sakura felt fear shoot down her spine. It was healthy to be afraid after all and there wasn't anything wrong with that. Even so, she kept a calm facade and hoped he didn't see through it. If he knew she was frightened…well it would be very bad for her in the end.

"I have to sneak into a place and won't be able to summon you."

Whatever his reply was ended up garbled beyond her understanding, but it wasn't as harsh as before. A good sign to keep talking and that is what she did.

"They have at least two demons summoned and tied to the physical plane. All I need is for you to find at least one and either disconnect it or take it over. Afterwards, we can handle the rest without much trouble."

The body was starting to still and the shakes we're reduced to small twitches. Sasori's tone was still angry, but this time she was able to understand him,

"That sounds like more work from me than you, I'm not a lapdog Sakura."

"Three humans," she shot back, "possibly more and you can have all of them."

"And the demons?"

The shrug she gave was enough of an answer.

The scent of wax was heavy in the room as the candle burned down lower and he still gave no answer. Sakura was close to prodding him awake when the body gave one last shudder and fell forward. The noise of the nose breaking echoed in the quiet air.

'Oh damn it,' she thought, 'Hes in a mood again.'

Just as Sakura was wondering what exactly to do with the seemingly abandoned body, she caught movements from the back of the neck. There was a bulge there that seemed to be a cyst and-oh gross- it was starting to get bigger. If that bastard exploded dead person juice all over her carpet she would kill him. Just cross the planes and crush him.

There wasn't a need for that though as the bulge started to redden as a more defined shape strained against the skin. Much more narrow in the center with a circle of points dotted around it. In the back, she could see something pressing far stronger before the skin tore and his barbed tail rose up glistening with blood and spinal fluid dripping down from the top like venom. The rest didn't take long after the first hole and soon Sakura took in her first glimpse of Sasori's true form.

It-it was actually quite small. Underwhelming too if she was being honest. With the fantastical bodies he molded and used, the little scorpion demon didn't match up in grandeur to them.

As spindly legs carefully climbed over the empty puppet, she watched as two slits on the scorpions back opened up to reveal amber colored eyes that locked with her own. They narrowed and Sakura got the sense that she was supposed to be impressed with a seven-inch demon that didn't even have a nose. Or even a mouth?

Hrm.

"Let me take a look," she asked as she reached out for him and added a dose of 'awe' in her voice to butter him up.

For a moment she really doubted Sasori would take the offer. Yet, he delicately crawled onto her outstretched hand and settled himself on her forearm. The large eyes bored into hers as the tail curled inwards just a bit. Taking that as some form of trust, Sakura leaned in closer to examine the physical body. Unlike actual scorpions, there weren't any tiny hairs dotting the body and the carpace seemed thicker almost. If she could touch it she knew it would feel slick as ice and so warm to the touch.

"Woman," Sasori rasped and she was startled by the voice change, "I'm not one of your cadavers to prod at."

As he spoke she felt a tickled on her forearm and realized that the mouth must be on the underside. Did he have to chew to get into the bodies? Or maybe-

-damn it. Now she was curious and that was never good. Shaking herself out of her daydreams, Sakura returned back to the problem at hand.

"Well, you're small enough," she quipped and smiled as the barb uncurled, "so I think I know how to bring you in the bar unnoticed."

"How then?"

"I'm stuffing you in my bra."

Sasori ended up stinging her and left Sakura with a numb hand and the promise that he was not going to enjoy any part of this. How dare you try and mock him in such a way you disgusting human and blah blah blah.

In the end, he was still stuffed in a bra under a loose shirt and it was very uncomfortable for the both of them.


	6. General - Myths and Legends

Something I wrote for a different fanfic that ended up being deleted because it sucked. I still really like this ectiose though and figured it stop out on it's own.

* * *

Chiyo settled back into her chair and sucked thoughtfully on the hard candy. As the silence reached into five minutes, Naruto started to wonder if the old granny had died right there. Shit, that was exactly the last thing she needed right now. Maybe she should call back that creepy redhead and-

Oh, she was alive. And talking now in that cracking voice,

"My favorite had to be, 'Bride of Kamatari'. Now, that was a goodie to hear back as a little brat. None of that, 'let me save the virgin' mess either. Ah, just thinking about it really takes me back to when my mother told it to my brother and I. He never appreciated though, always more into those nasty-"

"What's the story?" Naruto prompted with only a bit of impaitence lacing her tone. It was still enough to make the old lady huff and suck harder on the candy.

"Fine, you brat. So, it goes that there was a horrible god called Kamatari who made his home atop plateaus. It's said that they could weave winds into fierce gales and would destroy many of the desert villages with these storms. Right old bastard he was, I'm told.

"The only thing that stopped him was offering up young women as 'brides'. I still have no idea why they called them that or why it was always women. I suppose old fashioned sexism and also to sugarcoat what would happen when they went up there. Saying someone's a bride might be kinder than calling you 'dinner', I suppose. Personally, I prefer the truth. White lies never help."

Outside the room, Naruto heard the grandson make an odd coughing noise. Chiyo never paused.

"Now, see Kamatari kept his home surrounded by gale winds that could slice right into you. Your body would be in six different places by the time you realized how dead you were, so great it was! The brides though, he would let them come through. It was the only opening he ever gave.

"In a village, or hovel depending, that was nearby there would be a girl sent twice a year to appease him. I guessing you're smart enough to figure out why this was destroying them and how desperate they were getting. So, the daughter of the village head offered herself up next as the newest. But, only if-pay attention here-if she could choose the gifts that would be offered up along side."

By this point, Naruto had realized this story might not be very helpful, but it was still worth a listen. Even if she was only facing a demon, maybe some things that defeated a god would work. Wasn't a god just a trumped up demon anyways?

"Layers of silks and fabric wrapped into knots around her underclothes. A large chest of gold and spices to sweeten the deal. The dowry that a queen deserved instead of some haughty girl from a mud shack. In exchange, she promised to be the last bride. So, of course she got her way and bid her village goodbye. Here, I should add a few spots of how beloved she was by all and was beautiful, but that's just filler in the end and pointless. She kissed her brothers goodbye and let herself be dressed as the chest was packed. Then, she was gone to the Kamatari's home."

From the edge of her sight, Naruto caught Chiyo's grandson hovering at the kitchen doorway. There was sandpaper and a wooden sculpture in his hands, but his lazy eyes rested on the old lady as she talked. For a moment, he almost looked fond of her.

"Don't ask me how she got the damn chest up there, I have no idea. The winds were lifted and she was spared that death for another. One of teeth grinding her down into gristle and splintered bones."

That familiar wording made Naruto flinch and clench the slipcover fabric tightly. Sasori watched her with curiosity, and she ignored it completely.

"Forming from the air, the god dropped down before the bride. His body was miles long and twisted into knots along the length. Oh, and that face. Snarling and gnashing with so many teeth and such wild eyes dotting his face. The only beauty that overgrown weasel could claim was it's shimmering white fur."

"Wait, it was a weasel?", Naruto interrupted.

"I said it was, didn't I? Do I need to go over each stupid thing, or can I trust you to just shut up and imagine it?"

Sasori snorted in amusement as Naruto ground her teeth and gave a jerky nod. Chiyo preened and gave an obnoxious suck of the candy before continuing, "As I was saying, it was an ugly beast that showed itself to the bride. She never flinched though and spread her arms in welcome to him. 'Behold your bride,' she proclaimed, 'here of her own will and desire to serve you.'

"Ha! I like to think the fool was confused, but nothing is said about that. Let it be known that he, like most men, wanted to get right to the nitty-gritty. It was demanded of her to strip off the cloth so he could eat her. Instead, she bade Kamatari to untie each knot as they were too complicated for one set of hands. Fussing and snapping, the god did just that."

"Woah, wait," Naruto interrupted again and ignored Chiyo's snort, "he just did it? No arguing?"

"Well maybe, just maybe, he knew when to shut up and listen. A good quality to have I hear. Now, anything else to add?"

A head shake and Chiyo continued,

"Now, while they struggled with the knots the lid of that heavy chest silently slid off and revealed her two brothers. It was known that no mere mortal could defeat a god, but perhaps three of them could pose a greater threat. While their sister distracted Kamatari, the eldest brother gave a thin garrote to the younger and told him to wait for an opening. For while the eldest was strong and sturdy of build, the other was small and agile enough to hide himself in shadows. And so, he did as told as the older readied their own blade."

A smile had wormed its way between Chiyo's jowls and Naruto guessed that the best part was coming up. Even her grandson had dropped the act of sanding and openly showed his interest.

"It was the last knot that revealed the ruse. As the fabric fell, the bride pulled her tessen from her wrappings and slashed deep across the gods eyes. With the scream that tore from it's throat, she answered with her own as her brother lunged to stab at the beast. Blinded and enraged, it flailed and tried to summon the winds to tear the siblings into peices. The bride danced around its own movements and with her fan would force it into an opening for her brothers blade. Even as its blood steamed on her skin and ate into it, she pushed it back. It didn't take long for ribbons of blood to fly over the sand. Oh, but that would be too easy.

"Winds came to the summons of their master. Unable to direct them without sight, the wind tore wildly and became a crushing force instead of a blade. Still, it drove the siblings back from the god towards the cliffs edge. They clung to the rocks as they toppled over and pressed themselves to the face. Both the fan and blade were lost."

Naruto couldn't help but lean in at the pause. It was rather obvious at what would happen next, but she could understand how a child would feel listening to this. It was rather good drama.

"The youngest, small enough to cling to the weasels back unnoticed, took his chance. Gripping fur slick with blood, he crawled to the neck and looped the garrote over its fat neck. Then pulled. Even as the blades dug into his own hands he never lessened his hold. He rode that bastard like it was a wild horse until Kamatari finally fell in a heap. With palms and hands sliced to bone, the brother was overjoyed to see his siblings crawl back over the edge as the winds died. They embraced each other and shed happy tears. The bride had kept her promise and she would give so much more to her home."

Chiyo unwrapped another candy and popped it into her mouth. She still smiled, but it now held a hint of dark amusement.

"For, the woman cut out the heart and devoured it. Her body shed it's flesh and muscle as she rose again. As a god of her own making."


	7. ObitoNaruto - 711

The start of an obinaru au with really trashy fairies and crows

 **No warnings needed**

* * *

Itwould make sense that anything left on the sidewalk at a 7/11 would probably be fair game. It was past twelve after all and Naruto had waited awhile to make sure no one came back at got it. Therefore, she was taking that cool mask back to her place without any ill intent.

And really, it was a cool mask! A good shade of over-saturated orange with a carved swirl leading into the sole eye hole. The lack of nostrils was a downer concerning breathing and all, but it still looked pretty rad.

The perfect peice to figure out what to wear to the Halloween party coming up. Maybe…a pumpkin monster? A sexy pumpkin monster?

Aw yeah. Sexy pumpkin monster.

Ino stole the 'sexy pumpkin monster' idea.

Which Naruto really should had expected considering Ino was absolute shit at coming up with her own creative ideas. Unless it was flowers of course; then Ino would wipe the floor with even pros.

But costumes? Nah, just steal Narutos idea and leave her with only two days to pull together something that managed to not suck. It's fine no worries and all.

The orange was still a good way to go maybe. Traffic cone? Crossing guard? The one thing that you can't rap about? Was it even possible to make a sexy costume with that?

The day of the party Naruto just sprayed her hair white and wore a cloak. It wasn't a stand-out costume and would blend in with all the others, but maybe that would be best.

No one would even know it was her and that was the perfect reason to do it.

There wasn't any surprise that Shikamaru instantly knew who she was. He really couldn't be factored into any equation due to that over-clocked brain of his anyways. He had just taken one look at that orange mask and gave an honest opinion about it.

"It has to be the ulgiest thing I've seen tonight."

"Big words coming from a dude wearing a bed sheet."

He shrugged and took another puff from his cigarette from the only hole in the sheet. Not even a slash for the mouth. A literal hole and how did the cheap sheet he wore not go up in flames? Was he just so nonchalant about possibly burning alive that the flames didn't even bother? That was probably it.

In the distance stood a tastefully horrible clash of orange and green that just had to be Ino. As always, she looked damn good in that stolen costume and managed to somehow made it look fashionable. Much better than just cutting a pumpkin in half and making a bikini top like Naruto had planned. Damn it.

As she stalked away from the main revel, Naruto ran fingers over her own mask and felt better. Even if her costume bombed she still had something to show for it.

At first look she had thought the mask to be some half-cheap mass produced thing. She had expected to be able to wear it for only fifteen minutes before ripping it off to breathe. Instead, it fit snugly to her face without clinging and the weird material it was seemed to breathe well enough. Something that didn't seem possible with how rigid it was. Maybe she had found a discarded movie prop?

The block party was packed, but Naruto managed to find a little alcove to squeeze into under a cafe awning. It was something that used to house shrubby, but now it made the perfect hiding spot for a quick break away from the crowd. Just enough to catch her breath and wait for the food line to dwindle down a little. Slumping against the cool brickwork felt like heaven after the muggy heat of a crowd and Naruto let her eyes close to properly enjoy the moment of respite.

A bead of sweat interrupted all of that as it made its sneaky way down her temple and cheek. Groaning, she lifted up the mask to rest atop her head and swiped away the annoying drop.

Another aggravating tickle from the opposite cheek and she went to wipe that one away and came back with sticky fingers. The feeling shot panic into her and she jerked back into the wall and stared at fingers coated in black tar. Her eyes then moved to the dark figure standing scant inches away blocking her escape from the alcove.

Tall. Very tall actually as his head brushed the top of the alcove and left a trail of tar wherever it touched. The clothes he wore over a black zentai suit was some kind of dark tunic with thicker leather armor hazardly placed. Including between the legs which meant she had to be clever.

His face was covered by some kind of black zetai suit. So dark that the more she looked the less detail she could make out underneath the fabric.

"Hey," he rasped with a wavering voice, "that's my mask."

Dumbly, Naruto pointed at the orange mask as if to make sure that was the one. In case there was another mask floating about.

"Yeah…thats my mask. You touched it."

"Maybe you shouldn't have left it outside a gas station then."

His body seemed to-undalate? It was like he was made out of a water bed or something with the way he moved. The comparison didn't really matter honestly and Naruto realized that maybe she was a tiny bit fucked. This was one of those times where it was best to give it what it wanted and leave. Hands shaking, she untied the mask and slid it off before holding it out to the weirdo. He stood there for a moment dumbly before a hand reached out and cold fingers curled around her wrist. Naruto jumped and instinctively tried to yank her wrist away, but his grip was iron and she could only be pulled along as he put on the mask.

There was a weird suction noise as he put the mask on. Followed by thick drops of goo dripping from the seams and trailing down her arm making her gag. Trying again to pull away she cried out with relief when he released her and she cradled her hand close to her. It didn't hurt, but the nasty stuff that had come from it was cold and felt like runny mayonnaise over her skin. Frantically cleaning it with her cape, she saw him move closer out of the corner of her eye and she looked up at her again.

This time, she could see an over-saturated red eye staring back at her through the eye hole. Something about it held her attention and for a moment everything seemed to slow down around them. The background noise faded to a muted static and the muggy air seemed to grow harder to breathe in. Every little thing around her should've made her panicked-yet all she could think about was how Okay everything was.

This was fine. She was fine.

This dude wasn't even doing anything so she really should just chill out. Yeah, she still wanted to half-heartedly kick him till he went away, but honestly that seemed really over-the-top and maybe she should just wait. Even if his hand was trailing down her collarbone that was Okay. Be better if his hand wasn't resting over her heart still it was just Okay and Fine.

The man made a noise of curiosity as his finger pressed deeper above her heart. For just a Mom Naruto swore her skin spilt and he was touching the actual organ. Feeling it up like one does to oranges at the market.

"Fancy little thing," he whispered, "too bad I'm stuffed full."

His hand retreated and that one eye blinked and disappeared into an inky darkness. The noise from the part rushed back and vertigo overcame Naruto. Falling to her knees, she bent forward and started dry-heaving against the pavement. Her entire body felt weak and used; as if she had just ran a mile or two. It too forever for her to make it back up on her feet and by the time she was steady the man was already gone and she was alone.

Stumbling out of her alcove she first noticed how quieter the part had become. Only a few people were left and most of them being drunken stragglers.

Naruto checked her phone. Four hours had passed.

It felt sudden like she had swallowed a peach pit and again she felt sick. Taking a few deep breaths, she started on her way home.

Nothing happened till the morning.


	8. ShinoNaruto - Body shyness

From a request of shino/naruto! I never thought about this ciupco send send its not my thing, but i think shino is just fantastic.

 **Warnings for body horror**

* * *

Six months into the realtionship and Shino finally took off his shirt for Naruto. After a while of coaxing and sweet talking too! Not that she was mad about the time; not even a smidgen aggravated about any of it. If her boyfriend was shy about what his own body was then that was fine. All this she repeated to him as her hands slipped up the loose shirt.

It was surprising at first that he didn't wear many layers. Other than the cloak, there was only a pair of pants and a thin shirt for him. Easier for the bugs of course, because a few beetles getting caught in a hem could mean death in a high risk situation. Even underwear was excluded in his wardrobe, though she teased that he just didn't like getting chafed from his tighty-whightes. The blush was worth it.

Hands gently lifted up the shirt as fingers brushed over healed scars and the puckered dips that were his family's trademark. As she laid his chest bare, she took a glance at his face to judge wether or not to continue. There were emotions flitting about on his face, but he still gave a nod and let his hands cover her own. For just a moment they sat there as Naruto let her hands rest upon his stomach.

Under her palms, she could feel the steady thrum of his insects traveling through the caverns in him. It wasn't disgusting, are from it really, and she let out a breathy laugh as the bugs congregated under her hand. It tickled.

"They can smell you. Through my pores," he explained.

"Good thing I bathed then," she remarked with laugh, "it's really cool feeling them squirm."

He didn't really give an answer for that, but she could see how he smiled and blushed darker. As the tiny little beetles clambered out from the holes and over her fingers, Naruto felt like nothing really could be better.

Sakura had once asked, grimacing and shuddering, how Naruto could even stand to touch Shino. How could anyone stand the fact that their boyfriend had a colony residing in their body and larvae squished between their organs?

It was actually pretty easy and if anyone else couldn't see it…than it didn't matter. Shino had Naruto to adore his oddball features after all. Leaning pecked his lips and got pulled into a tight embrace.

Six months and so many more to go.


	9. KisameNaruto - Itachi is Also There

My sweet dear wife gave me the request of, ''itachi asks naruto to have sex with kisame and let him watch" with any chosen au. Lucky for her I have a really dumb fanfic planned out that has just that happening. Because I'm an adult who wants to write dumb cliche smut.

No, this chapter doesn't have sex in it. I'm not posting any sex on fanfic because it's got rules you see. Also too many of y'all are underage

 **Warnings for being semi-nsfw and cride hand gestures from shark-boyfriend**

* * *

It was a tiny fishing boat she had smuggled herself on; a small box built atop a boat suited for small fishing. Despite how small it was the boat was perfectly suited to Narutos needs at that very moment and she hid in a pile of rope and sail cloth. The man after her wasn't an idiot though and she wondered exactly how long she would have to duck down. Hopefully not long, but at least the area was roomy enough so her legs wouldn't cramp.

Then came the sound of footsteps echoing against the wood and her hear skipped a beat. It wasn't the heavy boots of her pursuer though, but when she heard the thunk of rope hitting the deck and the boat tilted to it's side as it was pushed away from the dock

Shit.

The fisherman was blessed today with how the winds made the boat soar over the waves. While she couldn't see anything, Naruto felt the hard knocks the waves made against the bow of the ship. She didn't know how long she had been aboard, but from what she could tell they were far away enough from the shore that swimming would be a mistake. It was unlikely too that she would be able to stay in her spot for many more hours.

She had to hope that the fisherman was kind and charitable. If not…well she would drown. Even her fantastic luck wasn't much use all the way out here.

The boat slowed it's pace down to nothing and she listened as the sailor lowered the sail and tied it down. Seemed like they had reached the fishing spot rather quickly and her mind started to work up a plan. Wait for them to busy themselves with the nets and dash out to find a better hiding spot till later. There had been a little nook that would be the perfect size behind the cabin so…yes. That would work!

Adjusting her legs under her to ready herself, Naruto strained to listen to the fisherman for the perfect moment. Their footsteps made the planks under her feet shudder as they went about laying anchor and a few other minor touches. A few minutes passed though and she heard no rustle of nets which was enough to make her curious. Instead, the fisherman seemed to have stopped walking about and everything on deck was quiet.

Taking a peek could be a costly mistake. Then again, it could give her an idea of what they were doing and a way to make her move. After a time of arguing with herself over the better option, Naruto craned her head up and took a quick look.

The fisher had seated themselves on the very edge of the ship and was hunched over looking into the water. Their face was shrouded by a curtain of dark hair and Naruto noticed their skin was still pale and only reddened by the sun. Odd for a fisherman, she thought as she crept from her spot, they look too old to be just starting out.

The figure never looked away from the water as she silently darted into her new hiding space. In the cool shadows she enjoyed the added space and let her aching legs stretch out just enough. Hopefully they wouldn't be out here long and she could jump back into the dock without any trouble-

There was a rush of air and a dull 'thunk' as a blade buried itself in the wood only an inch above her head. As silvers of hair rained around her face, Naruto turned towards the fisherman and tried not to outright piss herself in terror.

"You are trespassing," said the fisher and his voice was so calm, "is there a reason for it?"

The blade easily slid out of the wood and splinters landed atop her hear like raindrops. Swallowing down her scream, Naruto struggled to form an actual sentence before giving up and saying one word,

"Hiding!"

"Well yes, I can tell you were hiding from me."

"No! It was someone else-the boat was supposed to stay docked!"

The fishers face was as still as water before a storm as he looked down at her. The dark eyes he had seemed oddly familar in their look for a moment before she realized where she had seen it before. It was the same odd flatness that trained soliders kept around the compound back home. This…was not a fisher and Naruto felt herself start to accept her death just as the sword moved and the steel flashed.

The not-fisher slid the weapon back into it's scabbard in his hand.

"You really have put yourself into a predicament on this boat."

The anger that had been in their voice had lessened and been replaced with disappointment. As she slid out of her hiding spot, Naruto wondered if it was because they really did want someone after them. Maybe to get a thrill from it? There were odder things to enjoy in life.

The scabbard was slid into their belt safety as they moved back towards the lowered sail. As she watched them start working to raise it guilt flooded her and she pleaded,

"Don't go back because of me!"

"I really have no choice," came the reply and the anger was back she noticed, "you can not witness what I am about to do."

"Its-its just fishing. I've seen fishing before."

A pause and they let out a sigh before going back to the ropes. Though she did feel guilty about causing him to abandon a day of fishing it was odd that she would bother them so much. Perhaps they hunted something that was forbidden to kill? Naruto had never been to this area before so it was highly likely this was something she wouldn't quite understand. Shoulders slumped, she offered them a hand with the sails.

They had opened their mouth to answer when something thudded against the bottom of the boat and sent her sprawling over the deck. They themselves kept upright and only had to adjust their footing to keep from toppling over. Before Naruto could stand, another thud happened followed quickly by a third. The entire time, the fisher had the look of an exasperated parent and the rope just slipped out from their hands.

Around them the churning water started to still and the boat steadied. Now reasonably terrified, Naruto stood on shaky legs and tried to decide which god to start praying too.

"You will want to brace yourself," said the fisher and they wrapped arms around the mast, "last time he almost swamped the boat."

From the corner of her eye, Naruto caught a flash of grey and suddenly the boat tilted and her feet went out from under her. Literally rolling and crashing into the railing, Naruto barely had time to breathe before a wave of water crashed over her head. Salt burned in her lungs and throat as she struggled to brace herself. Soon enough though, the boat steadied itself and she was able to at least sit up and cough up seawater. As it streamed from her lips and nostrils she looked back up to the fisherman and-

The fuck was that giant whale thing. At first Naruto thought a whale had somehow breached itself atop the boat (somehow) and was suitably terrified. Then it moved and the shape became clearer; a thick tail that tapered up into the torso that might be considered humanoid. As it pushed itself up, she saw the face of it was stretched out with almost bulbous eyes and a glasglow grin. Definitely not human unless a person had already downed a few strong drinks.

The sight of her must not have been too exciting for it as it quickly looked away to the fisher. The both of them seemed comfortable around each other and she noticed the fisher started to gesture with their hands. After a few moments she recognized the common trade signs and was surprised to see the shark thing return them with ease.

Huh, that was pretty interesting to see. This was probably why the fisher was so nervous about her being here. Perhaps the two of them had a working realtionship and the shark-thing bought up sunken treasure or something. Maybe pearls or…

Nope. Shark-thing grabbed the fishers backside and signed something that Naruto actually understood. Face turning red, she quickly turned away and tried not to notice what was going to happen next. Definitely not something that would interest her and instead she could look out at the amazing ocean. Beautiful.

"Woman."

For a moment she wasn't sure if the fisher was talking to her and continued to pretend they didn't exist. Then she heard the echo of footsteps and reluctantly stood and faced them. The look on their face was as passive as ever and their voice was even,

"It seems we have reached a solution to this problem."

Naruto assumed that 'we' didn't include her in the slightest. Still, she nodded her head and motioned for him to continue. Whatever hurried this along so she could pretend nothing was going on. The fisher glanced back at shark-thing before speaking,

"I can not have you revealing his existence to anyone."

"Of course not! Wasn't even thinking of it!"

"Ah, that is good then," and the smallest smile was given, "so you'll agree then to our terms then?"

Clapping her hands together, Naruto furiously nodded before a shadow of doubt grew. Brows furrowed she took a moment to ask what exactly the terms were.

"If you commit the same sin as I then I can trust you."

Confusion must've been on her face as she glanced back at shark-thing. With a grin, he repeated the same gesture as before and all the blood left her face.

"You want me to fuck him?!"

"I like to watch," said the fisher quietly, "either that or he eats you. Both are enjoyable to me."

Naruto stood there on the deck and wondered how life got this way. Not only did she almost have her head sliced off, she had to go ride that weird looking shark-thing. All because she didn't want to go home. Letting out a sigh, she started to until the sodden ropes of her belt.

"Well then friend," she said with a forlorn tone, "hope you enjoy the show."

* * *

everyone had a good time the end


	10. Sakura - Pirates

One of the best ways to write a character better is too write out little Drabbles. So, here are a few featuring Sakura from a magic pirate!au I had. I still really enjoy her character and the way she acts. Vicious and cunning, but still a lot like her canon self.

Hidan and Sakura is my brotp

* * *

As a child, she had always been more fearful of women than men. Perhaps it was because her father was gone at sea so much and that left her mother as the only parent. The one that would deny her whims and lay out punishmwnt when she acted out. As for her father, all she could remember was how he would smell of salt and sweat when he hugged her before dropping gifts into eager hands. Her mother was the rod and her father the carrot.

Then he drowned and all she had was her mother. A woman who fell into debt and became a wraith haunting down old favors and missing friends for help. Sometimes, it would be the both of them begging in once-fine rags for any kind of help. Some did give, but any coins disappeared into the gaping maw of debt or into a few days of food.

Hunger was all they knew. Then, one night, her mother showed her to a well-dressed woman smelling of fresh roses. The lady's fingers combed through peach-colored hair and pinched at thin cheeks before throwing out a price. Her mother, tears streaming down her face, agreed to it.

That was when she was given her name.

 _Sakura_.

It was the only name she could ever remember having in her life. Just another Flower to flit about the port town and sell blooms by the basket. Or, as the older ones did, invite weary travelers into perfumed rooms to sell a different kind of blossom.

The Flowers were always fed and clothed; even the children who only sold the blooms. Sakura never hated her mother for what had happened. As she grew it became obvious that it was either this or starving to death in some alley. This was a life she could live easily.

It was not what she wanted.

It wasn't obvious what she had wanted at such a young age. When the captain had purchased her from the group Sakura knew he must've saw something in here. A spark maybe. Anything that made her worth the gold that he gave for her.

Six coins was her worth at that moment. They represented all the money that could have been wrung from her at such a young age selling flowers and herbs.

The captain gave her the job of keeping his quarters tidy and neat whilst he worked. Despite great curiosity; Sakura learned quickly that questions only got answered with cuffs or snarled dismissals. So she became quiet around her adopted father and saved them all for later. When she actually had questions worth answering.

Or pestering Hidan with them.

Being raised by a miserly bastard made a person often wonder their monetary value. A child was worthless at birth, unless they had a title, and would cost money before they could give back. It was a risky investment to make and oftentimes never fully paid back.

Sakura knew her worth. She was intelligent and usually practical with herself. She had a steady hand with no shakes, worth its weight in silver, and a strong stomach and bladder. Everything a good doctor needed aboard a ship that frequently ran afoul of violence.

Or brought violence. Jashinists tended to be very good at that. Especially Hidan. Oh, he excelled at that.

But, she wasn't Hidan. Sakura was a doctor and thus was worth a fair amount of money. While she hadn't been trained in a college or taken as an apprentice, she still had the knowledge of how to save a life which lead to getting the experience of doing just that. Her first surgery had been when she was twelve and it was just treating a wound and draining the infection. Easy, but it went well with no complications afterwards. Oh, she was proud of herself.

Years later, and with many books read, she was even allowed to treat Kakuzu after a raid went rotten. It was rare that a sea-borne could be injured greatly, but he had been and had let her tend to his wounds. The entire time Sakura was nervous and could barely keep her stitches even. Still, she did well and her captain was pleased with it.

After that, she knew her worth had doubled. Kakuzu had even brought a heart for her to examine later! It was still persevered in it's tiny jar and from then on, she never lacked for cadavers to work on. Books were more difficult to obtain and she was no stranger to snitching volumes any chance she could get. Even her set of instruments were taken from a raid off the convulsing body of their owner. Another crewmate had tried to take them from her and ended up with severed nerves in his left hand. After that, everyone else let her be when it came to her belongings.

Other than Hidan. He still stole some of her erm- _less scholarly_ books to mock and narrate to the others. But, that was Hidan and honestly she didn't mind terribly much. Usually.

If she ever did get mad she could just drug his drink and roll him into a crate again. That was hilarious to watch.

A good life was what Sakura had on this ship. Serving her captain and adoptive family all while learning what she could. Sakura would never go beyond a puesdo medic aboard a pirate vessel, but she would be damned if that wasn't worth a lot.

Her worth was known. To her, the captain, and the crew. Anyone else didn't matter.

* * *

She had always kept herself clean with seawater and tiny slivers of soap. After all, it was the best way to fight infection and keep herself heathly aboard this ship of idiots. Wearing blood till it blackened and flaked off was a disgusting practice in itself. Hidan was just as bad with that as the others. Which was why Sakura wanted to drown him so badly in the little tub she sat in as he scrubbed her raw.

By now her skin was the same hue as her hair and stinging badly. The only thing that kept her still was how much of a needed part this was. Scrubbing off the top layer of skin would take away odd spots and lessen the look of her scarring. Still, it really hurt.

At least they were docked and it was fresh water that was poured over her. Saltwater would burn like hell and redden her flesh like a burn. Captain wasn't happy about that, but if he wanted this plan to work he had to pay for it. And that meant dropping coin on everything from the right blooms to the correct shade of silk to wrap her in.

To think after getting taken away from a whores life she was now pretending she had never left. By her current age of nineteen, her body would already have been sold dozens of times over. Perhaps even had a little apprentice floating behind her and lifting the train of her dresses.

Hidan tipped a bucket of water over her and let it drop onto her head. Spitting curses at him, Sakura clambered out and snagged the towel nearby. Not bothering to show modesty, she worked at rubbing her skin dry as her brother emptied out the tub through the porthole. When he sauntered past, Sakura whipped the back of his thighs with the towel and laughed at his yowl.


	11. Naruto - Capes and Stalkers

This was written so long ago I don't even remember who was following her. So, here it is a darker superhero au because I am still lame af.

* * *

Right before Naruto walked into the restaurant, she knew she was being followed. She felt something twitch in her back and years of drills taught her to pause and focus. Pretending to tie her shoes, she knelt down and cocked her head as hands worked the laces into double knots. Just in case running would be involved.

People stepped by her without a glance and she couldn't hear anything pause to wait. That just meant it wasn't an ordinary person after her which just really made things worse. A cape maybe? She was dressed down in civies and even then very few villians would be so disrespectful to bother her now.

Unless, of course, it was tiny, sandy, and broody again. Because crawling into her sheets once a month wasn't enough obviously for him. In that case, she would grab a bite and shoo him off back to his own city. Naruto really didn't feel dealing with 'mommy issues' and being spooned all night while sand filled her bed. Three times was enough, especially after the biting last time.

Whomever it was, she could still sense them watching her as she straightened up and grimaced. It probably was just Gaara or someone else keeping an eye on her movements. Both sides tended to follow their target till one dropped their civvies and then it was free game. That was most likely all it was and they were going to be very disappointed. All she wanted was to stuff herself full of warm noodles and broth.

Slapping on a grin, she strode through the doors and called out to the old man behind the counter. They talked for a bit and discussed a new recipe he was trying out whilst his daughter served up a bowl to Naruto. The taste of salt and fat melted on her tongue and just for a minute, she let herself forget anything of concern. Just her, ramen, and the white noise of the restaurant.

It still wasn't enough for her to consider another bowl like usual. Kakashi would've already smacked her head if he knew she had ate while someone was trailing her. What if they attacked, Naruto? You'll be too busy vomiting to stop them from catching you! And let me tell you what they would do once they did in vivid details. With included graphs of course.

Great mentor. Bad everything else.

Sadly declining another bowl, she rose from the stool and casually made her way out of the restaurant. As soon as the door closed behind, she was glancing around to see if anything was different. Nothing was different which could mean the stalker had left. Or at least was waiting for her to leave. At this rate nothing was going to happen from their end and that left her no choice but to start shit on her own.

At least just to make them back off before she headed home. Taking a quick turn down an alley, Naruto went a few feet before breaking out into a sprint. Clambering over a dumpster, she lept and snagged the tail end of a fire escape. A few moments later and she was alone on the rooftops.

Not even giving a pause to check her surroundings, the girl sped over the cracked cement and jumped from roof to roof. The buildings in this area were jam-packed together like sadrines and she could vaguely remember training on them. These jumps were easy and didn't even require to roll on impact. Right now, that made it easy to gain some distance until she reached a safe spot up ahead.

Soon, she was doubled over panting in a little dead-end alley sheltered by looming walls and criss-crossed clothesline. The only way out was a tight squeeze flanked by two large dumpsters. Kakashi had been the one to guide her here and explain that while you couldn't jump down here or climb out, that meant no one else could. A good place to rest and call for help if needed.

Of course, Naruto lacked a phone. Which was her own dumb fault earlier for leaving it at home. Now she was stuck here and the apartment was the opposite way.

Worst part was she could still fell herself being watched. An overwhelming sense that pricked at her skin and made her breaths shorten into gasps. Backing further into a corner, she struggled to calm herself down and try to make sense of the situation.

Naruto was being followed. The person had been able to tail her easily even as she ran. No attack yet; why? Were they waiting for her to reveal herself as a cape? No, they would have realized she wasn't switching to that tonight. Okay so, they didn't care about that.

Nothing appeared in that little opening, but the sense of dread seemed to double and buckle down on her. That was a normal response but-

Mental attack? Always a chance even if that was rare. If they wanted her dead though they were taking their time doing it. Unless they were just toying with Naruto until she did something funny and they either struck or left.

Or, Naruto was just becoming a parinoid sack of bones like Kakashi. That made more sense actually than anything else so far. Ever since she had come back from that mess with Gaara, every shadow had a monster hidden and each odd noise would herald her death. Even now, passing by a pile of sand had her jittery!

Once again, her problems boiled down to 'fuck you Gaara'. With a nice dash of, 'you suck at raising kids Kakashi'. Per the usual.


	12. GaaFu - Jitters

The request for seltap ! Despite Fu being the best Naruto character I've never written anything with her. It doesn't help that she didn't get much screentime to pull from either. So, it's definitely generic fantasy AU with animal trait people. Because Fu having shiny insect skin? Yes.

(also she taught Gaara so many dirty jokes)

Still taking requests!

* * *

When his future bride stepped down from her mount, Gaara instantly worried for her health. There had been no portartits sent between them, but this stooped woman with the thick cloudly skin seemed more ready for death than a wedding. Still, he bowed to her and she crossed her arms over her chest and returned the gesture in the manner of her people. With that they were separated and Gaara returned back to his duties.

Between his siblings the woman was picked apart and both agreed that this was an insult. For another land to send a sickly fiance that would surely die during the first sandstorm? Terrible. A great slight against them. They pushed for Gaara to argue against the marriage and to demand an apology. For hours he listened and humored his siblings before dismissing their demands and quieting them. It did not matter what the match looked like in the end nor the health of the bride. He wasn't exactly a catch himself with his sorid past.

The preparations for the wedding were a rushed storm of two bickering sides and a war over what to serve. Gaara let himself stay out of it and Temari was quick to take over the commanding post. The position of leadership suited her and the comparison to a general was apt. All the while Gaara busied himself with building up a buffer of paperwork to make sure nothing went wrong on his honeymoon.

It was an odd thing to think about. Marriage and then a honeymoon. Just two people with the weight of a nation riding on their backs trying to relax and-and conceive. Conceive a child and he would be a father and husband and he had no idea how to even go about it.

So caught in his thoughts of how to even start the process he didn't even notice the ink pooling over the document and Kankuro suggested that Gaara needed sleep. Not that doing so did any help; all he could think of was that he would see a naked woman for the first time and the nerves kept him awake. What was sex even like? Would she laugh at his clumsy notions of how to go about it?

Gaara realized he didn't even remember what she looked like. Or her voice. It had been a week since she'd arrived and all he had been told was that she was resting.

Ugh. Already he was proving to be a terrible husband.

* * *

Never again did Gaara want to be married. For the entire first half of the day he was poked and prodded by dottering old woman brushing at his tail and painting up his claws. It was an annoying affair and by the time noon arrived he was pleased to finally be allowed a few bites of lizard. Then he was off to be dressed like a child in some overly gaudy and heavy robes. The entire time his siblings poked fun at him and all he could do was scowl.

The sun was setting when he was shown his reflection in the polished mirror. He had expected for his reflection to be a mockery of what royalty should be but-

Instead the result was so shocking that it was minutes before he remembered it was only his reflection. The shoes added height and the robes filled out his thinner frame into something more formable. Gold interlaced dark blue and browns in the colors of the desert in the robe and for a moment he really did feel handsome. Even the face paint dotted on made his features sharper instead of clownish like he had feared. All together he looked like the leader he was.

The surge of vanity was new to him, yet Gaara indulged himself with that prideful sin. Just for this day anyways.

* * *

Each grain of vanity Gaara had was blown away when he saw his bride. The sickly carpace from before was gone and instead he found himself blinded by the glittering skin of the woman. Unlike his heavier robes she was dressed to show off the shades of blue and green that blended together in her skin. The thin glass-like wings unfurled behind her and cast rainbows in her wake. The entire room had fallen into silence and Gaara wondered what he had done to be so lucky.

Then he realized he still didn't know her name. Oh, and they were expected to lay together and he didn't even know her name!

At least she kept her eyes downcast as she stood across from him. So long as he could keep calm during the ceremony then everything would be just fine. Panic later, he told himself, you are a leader now and have to act the part-

She glanced up at him with those bright eyes and gave a playful grin. Laughter danced on her face as his heated up under the paint. His hands gripped hers gently as the priest tied the ribbon over them both.

Fu. That was her name.

* * *

Oddly enough, Gaara found himself naked faster than he had thought. Fu was too of course, but they were both far more interested in partaking of the food snuck to their bedroom by Gaaras siblings. Turns out she hadn't been fed much either during the day and after the ceremony they had been rushed here. As Gaara showed his new wife how to suck out the meat of the grub, he wondered again how he could be so lucky.

Also she was even more beautiful without any clothes. Which was very interesting to him and makes for a story for another time.


End file.
